Chaos

Life has been so out of control lately. So hectic. It's time to grab it by the horns, I suppose. lol ...yeah, I don't know. =)

We are still not in Germany. I've actually been quite the gypsy as of lately, jumping from one family member's extra living quarters to the next. Currently my son and I are in Orlando, staying with my brother. It's been pretty nice, enjoying the weather & there are actually a lot of things to do around here aside from spending hundreds at Disney. That's been kind of a fun task. I'm enjoying finding inexpensive and even FREE things to do with the kiddo. I'd say he's been having quite a ball himself. So, epic win, in my opinion. =)

As far as my relationship with the soldier.. it's been tough. Rocky. Very rocky and at some points it seemed we were hanging off the slippery edge of a cliff. For the past week, we have been working really hard at trying to understand each other's daily struggles, respect what we both do instead of belittling one another, implement simple communication skills, & I think the hardest thing for us to do has been to open our hearts back up to one another after going through a phase where we both felt unloved, uncared for, betrayed.. and so on. So, the opening of the hearts. Yes, quite the task. lol For the record and all. =)

The funny thing is we had an argument Friday, and after he hung up on me while I was finally opening up and communicating how I've been feeling from the deep depths of my little soul.. I felt like he honestly still did not care, didn't care to even pretend or mend anything. After the rude hang-up, I spoke to my cousin (another soldier's spouse) in which during this particular conversation she asked me if I still loved him. I said yes, but it's so hard to be able to even acknowledge that love when the person who is supposed to love you back makes you feel so insignificant. While in the middle of this response, I received a call via Skype ..from Germany, of course. My husband had tried to help break up a fight, and during so caught a bottle of liquor to his face. It shattered. He has 16 or so stitches. When he called, however, it had just happened and ..not to gross anyone out, his face looked like straight lasanga. It is very sad that it took so much to open my eyes, but at that moment I realized the reason I felt nauseas wasn't because his face was that unsightly.. but I still cared about him. I still love him.

Now, I wondered if the reason we were having that conversation was God's way of trying to keep him still and avoid the pain and suffering he's going through. Then I wonder, if him staying and listening would have had the same effect. We never really know what God's plan is for us, or how He intends to get us there. But He does. I just hope that somehow, without such trauma.. my soldier will open his eyes, too.

Marriage is tough. I knew that before I ever said "I Do". I knew that because my parents didn't hang on.. they threw their hands up and moved on. However, a military marriage.. WOW. There is so much more to it. There are so many other factors that come into play! I just worry that.. I'm not meant for this. Any of it.

Now would be an excellent time for the well-seasoned monogamously accelerated to lend some serious advice. From one heart to another, I need to hear it. ♥

W/ LOVE